And now for something a little different
by Pata Hikari
Summary: I wonder if I can be concidered legally insane for writing this...


The priestess walked into the house. "Hmmm..." She looked around, inspecting each and every corner. "Yes... interesting..."

The Hylian family that had called her over waited nervously outside... waiting for the results.

Finally, after an hour of waiting, she came back out. The priestess walked out, a grave look on her face.

The mother stepped foreword, "Is... is it?"

"Yes." The priestess nodded, "A troublemaking spirit has taken residence in your home." She reached into her robes, pulling out a scroll. "I can force it to reveal itself... whether or not I'll be able to force it out by myself I can't say right now." She opened the scroll, causing a magic circle to form under her, "In the name of Din, Nayru, and Farore! Reveal yourself! Malignant force!"

The magic circle extended, splitting in two. Fire formed over the second circle... taking a shape.

It was a beautiful young woman. With long red hair and a very nice figure (that was really noticeable, due to her hair being the only thing preserving the woman's modesty) but that's not all, the woman had a few different features... a pair of fox ears sat atop her head, and seven fox tails swished behind her.

The priestess sighed... "For the love off..."

"Malignant force? Honestly..." The woman shook her head.

"Malon! Stop bothering people!" The priestess shouted.

"You know it...?" The mother asked.

"Malon... a Keaton. She's been causing trouble around the city for the past couple years..." The priestess slapped her forehead, "This is the third time I've met her."

"You're Alice, right?" Malon smirked, "What's up?"

"Just... go away Malon." The priestess groaned.

"Honestly... whatever happened to the days where we were considered good luck?" Malon sighed, "Fine, I'll go." She vanished.

-----------------------

"Homeless again?" The Poe passed a large drink to Malon.

"It isn't fair Malken... why can't we just find a place where people don't call the priestess!" Malon chugged down the drink.

"You can always live with me." Malken grinned, "We have been dating for, what, fifty years?"

"Bah. No offence, but I prefer to live on my own." Malon sighed, "At least you give me discounts... right?" She narrowed her eyes.

"Of course Mal!" Malken grinned sheepishly, "Would I ever not...?"

"In a heartbeat." Malon deadpanned, "You've become cheap ever since you died. How's Link, by the way?"

"He's fine. Still living." Malken shrugged, "Some dragon poachers tried to get him last week. They're barbeque now."

"Better then you did Shady." Malon downed another drink.

"Shut up." Malken muttered.

--------------------------

The forest air rang with the sound of beautiful music. It cheerfully rang out... giving new life to many and inspiring artists

Well, except for one.

A Lynel, her blue hair sticking up as she got out of bed. She walked outside... groaning as the sun shone into her eyes. She threw her lion-like tail in front of them, "Saria! Saria!"

"Hmm?" A Pols Voice peered down from a tree, her long green braid of hair hanging down. "Hi Tleta! You're awake!"

"You woke me up." Tleta growled, "Stop it."

"Hmm?" Saria jumped down, landing on her feet. "Everyone loves music."

"I thought your kind didn't." Tleta placed a hand on her forehead.

"Oh no. That's a common misconception." Saria smiled, "We hate loud, ugly noise. It hurts out ears." She pointed to one of the long, fuzzy ears sticking out of her head, "Music we love."

"Whatever..." Tleta groaned, "You're going to attract people here with that though."

"So?" Saria blinked, "I like company."

"Saria... you're a Pols Voice. I'm a Lynel. Last I checked most people called us monsters." Tleta rolled her eyes.

"But... but... we look like them!" Saria paused, "Well... except for the ears... And you have those fangs... and the tail..."

"See?"

"At least we don't look like Moblins!" Saria grinned brightly.

"Thank Din..." Tleta muttered, "Now let me sleep!"

--------------------------

High in the sky, a dragon flew.

This dragon's name was Link. He was flying around for a very, very special reason.

A song.

Every day he would wake up to hear a song. Yet, no matter what, it always stopped before he could figure out where it came from! It was driving him nuts!

Sure, he should probably check up on the business, but Malken could handle it easily. (Link had always been more of a bouncer then anything else.) But that song, that beautiful song, had been driving him _insane. _

So every day he circled the Lost Woods, hoping to catch a glimpse of whoever was making that song.

-----------------------

Sometimes Tleta wondered why she lived with Saria.

"Come on! It's minty!" Saria pushed the salad in her face.

"Saria... I'm a carnivore, remember?" Tleta asked.

"But... I thought you liked mint." Saria's ears drooped.

"Well... yeah..." Tleta sighed, "But with steak. Not in a salad."

"But I worked so hard to make lunch!" Saria whined, "Oh... fine. Just go order a pizza for yourself."

Now Tleta felt guilty... great. "Look, Saria, I'll make dinner for us both, sound good?"

"OK!" Saria smiled, and Tleta remembered why she let Saria live with her. She was just too adorable to say no to.

-----------------------

"I'll show them..." A girl muttered. A wolfo, to be exact. A tall wolfo with ears that were still floppy like a puppy. Her dark red hair brushed against her tail, as she wandered through the forest. "I'll get my own lunch!" Stupid pack, always teasing her... she'd show them all!

Her acute hearing picked up a noise... whistling, it was a cheerful tune, catchy too.

"Hmm?" She turned towards the sound, "Who's over there." She dashed over to the source... stumbling out into a path...

And colliding with another girl.

"Oomph!" The two fell to the ground.

"Gah! Sorry!" The girl shot up, "Sorry... huh?"

"Owie... it's OK." It was a Pols Voice; she got up, "No harm done..." She shook her head.

"Yeah..." She looked at the girl... "Hey... geez..." She paused, how to phrase this right. "You can see I'm a wolfo, right?"

"Yeah. I'm Saria." She held out her hand, "What's your name?"

"Kasuto... but that's not the point!" She threw up her arms, "Look, Saria, I'm sorry. But I'm afraid you're going to have to be my lunch."

"What?" Saria blinked (Oh Din that was cute) "Why?"

"Well... you know. I'm a wolfo, you're a Pols Voice. Predator, prey. That sort of thing." Kasuto shrugged, "So, no offence and all... but maybe you could just give up and not have a pointless chase?"

Saria rolled her eyes, "I'm not stupid."

"Oh come on!" Kasuto whined. _I'm no good at this._

-----------------------

Maple looked down at Malon.

The Keaton was currently asleep on the bar counter, drooling and snoring.

"She's kinda harmless looking when asleep." Maple commented.

"She isn't." Malken picked her up, "I'll throw her into a bed."

"By the way..." Maple looked around, "Where's Link?"

"Out. Said something about a song bothering him." Malken dragged Malon upstairs, "Can you man the bar?"

"Sure thing Shady." Maple flipped over the counter, sitting with ease at the bartenders stool... just as a dozen Moblins and ten Wolfos entered... "Damn it."

-----------------------

"Look... all I'm saying is that it's the whole circle of life thing." Kasuto said.

Saria slapped her forehead, "Last I checked your 'circle of life' involves me ending up dead."

Kasuto winced, "Well... um..."

"Besides, aren't we both sapient beings?" Saria asked, "Surely there's some sort of moral issue with eating another self aware being."

"But... the pack ate that other Pols Voice last-"

"You guys ate Jill!" Saria blinked, "Oh, that's what happened to her." She shrugged, "Never liked her anyway."

Kasuto fell to the ground, "What about-"

"Oh, I'm not OK with eating her. I just don't miss her. She was a mean bitch." Saria shrugged.

"Well... if it makes you feel better... I didn't eat any of her." Kasuto considered it politic to not mention that the only she hadn't eaten any was because they hadn't let her.

"See?" Saria smiled, "Tell you what, how about you come over to my place? My Lynel roommate is ordering pizza."

"You have a Lynel roommate?" Kasuto blinked, "They're meaner then wolfos!"

"Oh but Tleta's just the sweetest friend!" Saria grabbed Kasuto's arm, "You two will get along great!"

_I should eat her. But I can't find the will. _Kasuto thought dryly.

-----------------------

Link sighed, shifting to his smaller form. "Damn it! Will I ever find-"

**The song came to his ears.**

"What?" Link looked around, "Where is it coming from!" He started running in the direction his ears told him.

-----------------------

Malken walked back downstairs.

"Ah Shady..." Maple grinned, "It's about time."

"Hmm... oh geez." Malken groaned, "It's these guys."

"They're bad?" Maple asked, "They're pretty nice so far."

"The Wolfos are a pack that prefers to be wild." Malken whispered, "You know the new Poe in town?"

"Jill?"

"Yeah. They did it to her. They _ate _her." Malken whispered, "Life deep in the Forest is hard... wild acting wolfos like those jerks make it harder."

"And the Moblins?"

"They're **_Moblins." _**

"Oh, right." Maple nodded.

"Hey... wimp!" A wolfo jabbed at the cloaked person, "Why don't you try some real alcohol?"

"No thanks... I don't like acting like an idiot."

"Say what?" A wolfo shot up, "What's that mean?"

"It means drinking for the sake of getting drunk is stupid."

The Alpha Wolfo was now standing up, "Do you know who we are?"

"Not a clue. Just got here from Ikana."

"Ikana..." Maple whispered, "Oh, geez." She laughed, "This should be fun.

"Well, let me clue you in." The Wolfo grinned, "'Round here, we eat punks like you."

"Well, where I'm from..." The cloaked person said, "You're a coat. But let's not get into that."/

"What the?" The Wolfo growled, "That's it... guys, let's get him!"

"Oh geez... I hate removing blood stains." Malken muttered.

The Wolfos leapt at the cloaked person. The long hand stretched out, a blade suddenly leaping out. There was a blur, and the Alpha Wolfo lacked a head. The rest soon followed.

And the Moblins, seeing blood, decided to jump in. They soon lacked heads as well.

"I think it's a Garo." Malken commented.

"No shit." Maple muttered.

-----------------------

Link stared at the small house that was apparently the source of the song... "Here it is..." He sighed, "Finally, after all this time. I'll find out who was singing it!"

-----------------------

Someone knocked at the door.

"Um... I'll get it." Kasuto stood up, "That OK?"

"Fine by me." Tleta shrugged.

"Go ahead." Saria smiled.

"OK..." Kasuto opened the door... "Hello?"

"Um hi I-"

Kasuto shut the door, her eyes bulging out.

"What was that about?" Saria asked.

**"There is a dragon at your front door." **Kasuto whimpered.

-----------------------

"I hope you're ready to pay their tabs!" Malken shouted at the Garo.

"...sorry..." The Garo put away its blades.

"Eh, no problem. I've been meaning to find an excuse to practice my necromancy." Maple grinned.

Malken and the Garo stared at Maple.

"What?"

-----------------------

Link thought he heard someone shout. Not that it mattered much.

Not when there was an utter babe in front of him.

Her body was perfectly proportioned, nothing too small or big. Her face was cute and expressive. And there was something about the fuzzy ears that made her even more desirable. And when she spoke, he knew that she was the one who had been singing the beautiful song.

"Hello? What brings you to our house?" She asked.

"Um..." Link looked down at the girl. "Hello..."

It should be noted that dragons are rather possessive creatures. After seeing what is surely the perfect mate, Link's first impulse was to grab her and take her as his own.

Luckily, Link has some control over his impulses, and knew that while doing that would insure that he mated with her, there was little chance she'd _like_ him once it was all done.

First thing first. Find out species.

"Hi?" The girl smiled.

"Yeah. My name's Link... and well... I've been hearing this song in the morning lately..."

"Oh, you mean my song!" The girl smiled, "My roommate never lets me finish it..." She held out her hand, "My name's Saria."

Saria...

"Please to meet you." Link shook her hand.

"Oh Din, oh Nayru, oh Farore..." The Wolfo girl who had slammed the door in his face was whimpering. "I don't wanna get eaten!"

Eaten?

Oh.

"I'm not going to eat you." Link deadpanned.

"... hmm?" The Wolfo looked up, "Oh thank you!"

"Says the girl who met me saying she wanted to eat me." Saria muttered.

Link blinked, "What?"

"More guests?" A Lynel peered over a couch, "Oh well... make yourself at home.

-----------------------

"Soo... Link." Saria smiled as the dragon sat down, "You like my music?"

"Yeah..." Link smiled.

"Soo... you wouldn't eat her friends, right?" Kasuto looked at Saria, "We are friends, right?"

"I don't eat people." Link rolled his eyes, "I'm not wild."

"I wouldn't mind being friends with you Kasuto." Saria nodded.

"So, where are you from?" Tleta asked.

"Um... the city outside the Forest. I run a bar." Link smiled weakly.

"Freaks of Nature?" Tleta asked.

"Yeah... that's the name." Link smiled.

"Thought so." Tleta nodded.

"What an odd name..." Saria said.

"Well, you know. It's a business for our kind." Link pointed to himself, "You know. 'Monsters.'"

"Ohh... I think my pack likes going there..." Kasuto sighed, "They never let me go..."

"Sounds interesting." Saria smiled.

"Yeah... I'll show you it if you like." Link said.

"I've been there a few times." Tleta said, "I could show her... but Saria doesn't really like bars anyway."

Link glared at Tleta, "Ahem. I'm sorry to bother you three..." He glanced at Saria, "How about I take you out to dinner some time to make up for it?" He smirked.

"Sounds lovely." Saria stood up, "Let me show you to the door."

The two walked to the door, "See you later." Saria smiled as Link left.

The door shut.

Silence.

"Is he gone?" Kasuto asked.

"Aaaaiiiiieeee!" Saria squealed, "He's just so handsome!"

"...what?" Tleta blinked.

"Did you see him Tleta? Did you!" Saria grabbed her roomate's arm, "I think he's interested in me!" She squealed, "And did you see his arms? _Solid as a rock."_

"What's going on?" Kasuto asked.

"I have no idea..." Tleta blinked, "Saria! Saria! Snap out of it!"

"Snap out of what?" Saria asked.

"..." Tleta sighed, "Never mind..."

"I wonder if Link's had any girlfriends before..." Saria sighed dreamily as she walked away.

Kasuto stared at the Pols Voice, "Weird girl."

-----------------------

Link entered the bar, "I'm home!"

"No no no!" Maple screamed at a headless corpse, "You do not try and eat without a head!"

"..." Link stared at the bloodstains on the wall, the twenty-something corpses (currently being yelled at by Maple) and the utter lack of customers. "Bar-fight?" He asked, feeling slightly disappointed.

"Bar-massacre." Malken appeared behind him, "On the plus side, we now have a new dept-slave!"

"Hello." A whispery voice said, and a _hand grabbed his shoulder._

"Gah!" Link shot up, "What the...?" He turned around to stare at glowing red eyes... "Ack!" He recoiled.

"Link, meet Zelda. Our new janitor." Malken patted Zelda on the shoulder, "She's a Garo, just moved down here from Ikana. Zelda, this is Link, my brother and co-owner of this place"

"Pleased to meet you." Zelda bowed.

_She's creepy._ Link thought.

-----------------------

Malon woke up, "Nnn..." She floated out of bed. "OK... now what?" She sighed.

Why couldn't people just let her stay? She wasn't picky; all she needed was to be allowed to help them. But they were so short sighted that they seemed to think she was causing trouble!

"Oh well..." At least Malken was always there for her...

She walked downstairs... the first thing she noticed was the bloodstains. "Oy..."

"Hello." A voice said behind her.

"Ack!" Malon spun around, "Who- who are you!"

"I'm sorry, ma'am, we're closed." The Garo girl said.

"Eh?" Malon blinked, "Hey, whoever you are, I'm the manager's girlfriend." She winked.

"I see..." The girl bowed, "I am Zelda. I'm the new janitor of this place."

_Man she's creepy_. Malon thought. "Well, I'm Malon..."

"Pleased to meet you." Zelda bowed again.

-----------------------

"Well... thanks for having me over..." Kasuto smiled weakly, "But I need to head back. If I'm not in front of our cave by the time the pack gets back..."

"It's OK." Saria nodded, giving Kasuto a hug, "See you later." She beamed, "'K?

"OK..." Kasuto smiled, "See ya." She left.

"Hmm..." Tleta paused, "How long she will have to live, I wonder..."

"Tleta!" Saria glared at her roommate.

"What? She lives with wild Wolfos. They're not exactly the type to let the weak live. Her best bet is to move to the city, where laws can protect her." Tleta shrugged.

-----------------------

The cave was empty.

"Hello!" Kasuto shouted into the cave, "Anybody here!"

Nothing.

"Oh Din..." She sighed, now she would have to wait outside... if they caught her inside when they come back... well... she didn't want to think about it.

-----------------------

"Hey! Red!" Link waved to Malon, "What's up."

"Shut up Link..." Malon muttered.

"Homeless again?" Link smirked, "That's, what, third time this year?"

**_"Shut. Up."_** Malon growled, her face softening as she saw Link recoil. "Sorry..." She sighed, "How have you been Link? I imagine it's been better then me..."

The image of _Saria_ appeared in Link's mind. "Great!" His whole face brightened, "There's this girl..." he paused, "I mean... erm..." But the mistake had been made.

_"Girl?" _Malon's whole demeanor changed as a new goal filled her mind, "Oh, Linky Boy, I'm sooo proud!" She hugged him tightly, "You actually found a female who looks at you without problems!" She grinned, "Is she cute?"

"She's beautiful..." Link sighed happily...

"What's this?" Maple stopped screaming at zombies, "Link and a girl?"

"Yeah..." Link felt his mind go fuzzy... "She's beautiful... her name is Saria and she's the perfect girl... her perfect hair... that amazing body... and her perfect voice..." He sighed.

"Link?" Maple waved her hand in front of Link, "Hello?"

"Linky?" Malon poked him.

He did not respond, "And she's so cheerful... man... you have to smile when you see her..."

"Malken!" Maple shouted, "I think Link's dead!"

"Whatever!" Malken called back, "Bloody blood stains..." He rubbed a rag against the wall.

"No Maple. This is better." Malon grinned.

"Better?"

"Yup." Malon cackled evilly, "I think he's in love."

"Love?"

"Yup."

"I see..." Maple nodded.

Then she burst out laughing.


End file.
